Notes from "Seasons of Marriage"

Troy and I attended a BYU Alumni fireside Sunday November 21st by Mark H. Butler, Ph.D., Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy, BYU.  The title was "Seasons of Marriage---The Journey of Love Between Our First and Second Honeymoons."  We took classes when I was back at BYU and haven't done any since, so it was great to have some time to analyze where we are right now and where we want to be.  I really enjoyed the presentation and thought the movie clips that he used were perfect to illustrate his points.

He said that "marriages aren't wedding day sculptures...  Each marriages is a living, vital, ever-changing life in need of constant nourishment."

Consider Pres. Spencer W. Kimball's quote: “Two people coming from different backgrounds soon learn after the ceremony is performed that stark reality must be faced. There is no longer a life of fantasy or of make-believe; we must come out of the clouds and put our feet firmly on the earth. …

“One comes to realize very soon after marriage that the spouse has weaknesses not previously revealed or discovered. The virtues that were constantly magnified during courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses that seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now grow to sizeable proportions. …

“Yet real, lasting happiness is possible … [and it] is within the reach of every couple, every person. ‘Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.” (Marriage & Divorce, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1976, pp. 12–17; italics added.)

The four stages of marriage are the Visionary, Adversarial, Dormant, and Vital stages.  He compared it to the creation, the fall and the redemption.  Marriage begins in Eden, but a Fall comes to our marriage, too, in consequence of marital hurts, large and small.  Without Redemption, our marriages remain in a lost and fallen state. 

During the Visionary or Creation stage, there is high energy, high hopes, and a deep reserve of goodwill.  The love is innocent, blissful and wonderfully naive.  He showed a clip from Sense & Sensibility illustrating how the couple behaves.  During courtship, both individuals put on their best behavior and try to look as attractive as possible.

As seasons change, the marriage relationship changes to the Adversarial or Becoming One stage.  We look at it as a deterioration, but it is a sign of progress.  The wife's willingness to wear a bathrobe around the house or the husband's socks on the floor shows that they feel safe and secure in their relationship.  During this stage we try to "fix" our partner which leads to problems like complaining, bickering, etc.  We figure we have married a "fixer-upper."  He showed the scene from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers where the husband says, "What do I need manners for?  I already got me a wife."  This period is one of negotiating.  He also showed a cartoon that said "Happiness is finding that one special person... you can annoy for the rest of your life."    What brings about the Fall from grace in the eyes of our partner?  Couch-potato manners, carnival mirrors, a season of indulgence in secure attachment.

He had us read D&C 121:46 and substitute marriage for the word dominion.  46 The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant ^acompanion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of ^brighteousness and truth; and thy ^cdominion [MARRIAGE] shall be an everlasting dominion [MARRIAGE], and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

All associations in the kingdom of God are VOLUNTARY.

Entitlement traces a predictable path to misery...  Entitlement leads to frustration which leads to resentment which leads to anger.

Seasons change again and the marriage enters the Dormant stage which involves stonewalling and parallel relationships.  This stage opens with belligerent resentment and antagonistic separation.  One partner realizes that they can't fix their partner, so instead they withdraw from the relationship.  This is the most likely stage for divorce to occur.  There is often nostalgia for "single life."  It gradually resolves into a quiet malaise...  Over time, the malaise can become almost benevolent or good-natured.  This is the harbinger of good things to come.

A spouse realizes that they haven't been easy to be married to and starts changing themselves for the better because they appreciate their spouse.  The other partner reciprocates that love and gratitude.  The idea is that the partners decide to change on their own because their spouse deserves it or has earned it.  

The final Vital stage involves marital synchronity.  It involves our choices and Christ's atonement.  He showed a clip from When Harry Met Sally where the spouses are talking over each other:

Man: We were both born in the same hospital.
Woman: Nineteen twenty one.
Man: Seven days apart.
Woman: In the same hospital.
Man: We both grew up one block away from each other.
Woman: We both lived in tenements.
Man: On the lower east side.
Woman: On Delancey Street.
Man: My family moved to the Bronx when I was ten.
Woman: He lived on Fordham Road.
Man: Hers moved when she was eleven.
Woman: I lived on a hundred and eighty third Street.
Man: For six years she worked on the fifteenth floor as a nurse where I had a practice on the fourteenth floor in the very same building.
Woman: I worked for a very prominent neurologist. We never met.
Man: Never met.
Woman: Can you imagine that?
Man: You know where we met? In an elevator. In the Ambassador Hotel, in Chicago, Illinois.
Woman: I was visiting family. He was on the third floor I was on the twelve.
Man: I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her.
Woman: Nine extra floors.

Then he showed a clip from Fiddler on the Roof where Tevya asks Golda if she loves him.  "After 25 years, it's nice to know."

The final quote was from Mark Twain's comedy Eve's Diary.  The story ends with Adam's speaking at Eve's grave, "Wherever she was, there was Eden."